What you believe ‘good’ looks like is what will show up in your life. We all have a subconscious ‘blueprint’ or set of beliefs about what healthy, normal, appropriate connection looks like. This is often – though not always – shaped by what we grow up with. Whether you’re thinking about your love life, your social life or your professional life, or about your sense of 'connectedness' to the world at large, change starts when you upgrade your vision of what ‘good’ looks like for you.
But it’s NOT just about what you believe – it’s about your skills and abilities too. So many coaches, therapists and gurus will try to tell you that building a more deeply connected, satisfying life (complete with better relationships) starts and ends with self-worth. It doesn’t! Believing that you matter, that you can make a difference, and that you deserve more is important. But without the ‘core skills for connection’ needed to go out and get what you’re looking for, you will always struggle. That’s why I teach both of these things in everything I do (yes, connection skills can be taught!)
Self-knowledge is key. Deeper connections with others, and with the world around you starts with deep, almost obsessive self-knowledge. About your interests, your preferences, your values. But also your triggers, your tolerances, and a deeper understanding of why you respond to things the way you do. Once you have this knowledge, you'll be ready to take the driving seat in making choices and decisions that are 'right' for you on a much deeper level.
Healthy friendship is a powerful model for improving all of our relationships. Want to have a better relationship with yourself? Act towards yourself the way a good friend would. Want to improve your relationship with your partner? Be honest about whether you're being the best friend to them that you can be. Colleagues? Same. If being a good friend means offering respect, support, tactful honesty, acceptance, and the benefit of the doubt, it's hard to think of a better way to think about our other friendships as well.
There are three things you need to do to build a deeply connected life. (1) Get absolutely clear on who you are, what you’re about, and what you are / are not prepared to tolerate; 2) spend more of your time and energy with people and experiences that leave you feeling calm, appreciated, purposeful; 3) handle resistance with certainty and compassion.
It's a process. Staying ‘in connection’ with yourself and others is a lifetime’s work. And one that’s so, so worth it.